In the Head of Synn

Discussion in 'Journals' started by LadySynn, May 2, 2017.

  1. LadySynn

    LadySynn Twisted and Sweet

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    Finals are just around the corner. Jeez.. like I got enough going on.

    Just changed my major successfully to forensics so that's less stress at least. But man oh man. I'm feeling uncomfortable. I cannot wait for these classes to end for good. My last exam is may 10th at 8am. Just gotta survive a few more days. So close yet so far away.

    Been so preoccupied with tutoring and such that I haven't been able to export my threads from ANH... So sad.. so sad to see such a great site go. But at least we have this place. A safe haven to keep such a bright community alive still. <3 so very. Very happy.

    But I'm still kicking my own butt for not getting to the exporting threads sooner. So unhappy with myself. Only got a few shreds saved. Suppose it's better than nothing.

    I wonder if ANH will reopen so I can collect what is left I needed to get... I have a suspicious feeling it won't but hey, we can all hope right?

    Well it's late. I'm beyond tied and I need to sleep.

    Night!
     
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  2. LadySynn

    LadySynn Twisted and Sweet

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    Be crazy. My cat hhad two emergency sergeries in one week. Some animal got ahold of his throat and the wound abcessed then re-abcessed but he is all better now. Finish the last of his antibiotics today, or well yesterday given the time.

    I wt to a family reunion which was fun. I became the favorite cousin among all the kiddies so my body ached bad from puahing those swings. Didn't think it was going to be thank much of a work out. Haha but it was a good time. My family was happy to see us come in. I don't know why my cousin thought it was a good idea to set his bed on fire though. He knew we were staying at his parent's place. So he was sleeping on the couch, I was on the love seat and my mom was on the air mattress. That was fun but oh well. I managed to get some sleep despite his snores. Crazy people. But I am related to alot of crazy people it seems. Miracle tbat I'm not crazy.... then again maybe I am... lol.

    More rceent as in up coming news.. I turn 21 tomorrow! Or well, today... haha. Oi... I don't know how I feel about it. Officially an adult. No restrictions. I can legally drink. Kinda scary really, having so much... power. Feels weird like I am too young for this but since I am able to do this now, I feel old. Ugh. I kinda want to hibernate though tlmorrow as if it never existed but my mom was insistant on doing something. So I'm going out with her friends to celebrate. They are goinf to pick out alcohol for me that isnt too strong and that I may like to introduce me into the world of alcohol. Nervous. Shouldn't be nervous but I am. Well hopefully tomorrow goes nicely at least.
     
  3. LadySynn

    LadySynn Twisted and Sweet

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    Interesting times to say the least.

    I turned 21. Had an awesome little get together. Saw a movie, had an awesome lunch, met up for drinking with my mom's friends. Never got hungover or anything. Not even buzzed. Four fruity mixed drinks in total and the worst I felt was standing up at the end of the night and feeling the world make one solid spin. Then I was fine again. It was nice. Been drinking wine coolers off and on since then. Only in the evenings when I know I'm not going out. I got alot of money for my birthday. I got until dawn, mass effect Andromeda, tales of berseria, horizon zero Dawn, Serbia 3, fallout 4, final fantasy 15, persona 5, disgaea 5, and the last guardian. I even got a 50" 1080p Vizio TV for my room and an Atari system. Was pretty awesome. But things have been down hill since.

    My mom has a planned surgery on her foot to remove two Morton's neuromas. Not bad. Surgery went well. She did alot better this time than the last two times she had the surgery. But she woke up with a stiff neck that progressed into two herniated disks in her neck that were pressed to her spinal cord. Had to go through another surgery.... What is interesting is how medicine affects her. Medicines often made her hateful. She hates taking it because she knows that medication puts her on a short fuse. Yet when she is on an IV pumping her with various things she is even worse. Let's just say she lost her temper so bad she broke up with he boyfriend and it is a miracle they are still together. Like, he finally found out the other day just what she did to him and she cried because of how terrible it was. She has no memory of it. Of course I have learned the "yes dear" trick for when she is medicated because there is no arguing with her when she is medicated by any degree. It only is worse if you try to explain anything to her.

    But during all of this, she flowers behind on her bills. Now our phone company fucked up. Double billed us, kept giving us different stories, lying to us... So on. What happened is that she spent 2 hours confirming the phones we got were buy one get one free. So we got them. Expected a maybe 150 bill every month. Nope. Lied, said it was buy one get one half off. So much running around took place then. One person said we pay for the phones 3 months then get reimbursed, another said he fixed it but didn't do anything and just put a 50 dollar credit to the account. Went round and round with a manager refusing to help us that ended with my mom telling her "you have been entirely unhelpful and I think I am going to hang up now." Click. She also warned the manager plenty of time that if she couldn't fix our bill we wouldn't be their customer by the end of the day. And guess what? Same day we called TMobile. Now we are with them. Just using these temporary crappy phones while they pay off our current balance with the other company. Once that is over they will unlock the phone so can return to to using it. So happy. I really liked that other phone. Real fancy.

    I did get to go to Nickelback's 4th of July Concert. That was amazingly fun. First concert I ever went to. Real good time jamming to the music. My mom insisted I go while she was in the hospital since my dad ordered the tickets months in advanced. Had alot of funny moments. Lead singer joked about the best seat in the house being on he platform behind the drummer... Because of sweaty drummer crack but "don't worry ladies, he works out." Oh and he got sweaty he changed his shirt then started joking about his closet being a ball void because all he has is black... Lol I just enjoyed myself.

    Yet more had luck continues. Two maybe three days ago now my mom's boyfriend got in a car accident. Or well, his truck hydroplaned. Flipped over the side. If he had been wearing his seatbelt he wouldn't be alive now. It was bad. But same night, my best friend's mom was in a car accident. A hit and run. Guy hit her car then ran from the scene. She is in bad shape. I feel so sorry for her. My best wishes go out to her. it certainly is going to be rough. I hope things work out for them. I am driving her to work tomorrow since she doesn't have a ride.

    But there is one bright side still. This medicine my mom is on makes her talk in her sleep and hallucinate. It is really funny. Example 1, she was asking who Jeremiah was constantly and apparently I was dating him except there were a dozen guys in the house apparently trying to say they were Jeremiah and she wanted to know which one was the relationship one. Example 2, apparently her boyfriend is a pediatric insured by the company she works for and another time he was a car thief and she was his accomplice wanting to know what to do with the new car. Example 3, apparently there was a baby with a cord in his mouth and a over filled diaper ad because either didn't change it in time I stepped in the diaper because I didn't see it... She is hilarious on this medication! XD
     
  4. LadySynn

    LadySynn Twisted and Sweet

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    If anybody needed a vacation from a vacation it would be me now. Barely been three days and I keep looking at my purse. Thinking about all the medication inside. I'd never do it though. No matter how much I may want to. I am not somebody who would take their own life but damn.. it would be one hell of an easy way out... But fuck, the voice in my head keeps egging me on. But I refuse. I am stronger than this. I know there are people who care about me. I can't just give up because I don't want to go on. I can't do that to them.

    Maybe it's the alcohol talking. Or maybe it's making me sick. I feel a bit fevered. Maybe it's because I cried a bit today. Went to get my phone from my suitcase and just started silently bawling. Couldn't stop now I'm here. Because I need to stop. I need to get my mind away from all of this.

    I'd never take my life. Don't worry dear reader. If anybody even reads this.. haha. A weird thought really. An open journal like this. Where everything is just tossed to the wind. To be documented and seen or not seen. Weird thinking people would actually find interest reading this. Or not. But if you are reading this. Well. I dunno then. Just an odd thought.

    But I suppose I should give mention of what this vacation of been like. To give a taste of all of this that has transpired. I arrived Saturday night. It was insisted that I being my PS4 by 3 people. I arrive and there are only tube TV's and 2 plasmas. Boyfriend's sister refused to give up either HDMI compatible TV's to let us enjoy some evening games. Woke up Sunday alone. Abandoned by just about everyone. everyone being my mom, her boyfriend, boyfriend's sister, her daughter, her husband and her daughter's friend. Abandoned to the beach house. Nobody told me the plan or when to be up. Nobody bothered to knock and say hey, we are going to so and so wanna come then get ready. Just left me to sleep. If I wanted to sleep and play video games all day I would have stayed home. Second day, surprise, niece had a birthday. How unprepared we were! Rushed gifts out to dinner. Thunder storms. Not much to do. Today. Niece and I abandoned as everybody ran off to be with dolphins. You would think they would get the kid up at least to join them but no. Left her with me and we slept in. I did get to go to the movies today. Saw war for the planet of the apes. Just wish I could have enjoyed it. My mom and her boyfriend fought the whole way to the movies. She dragged me into the fight. After the movie I ended up crying. And now here we are.

    I need another drink.
     
  5. LadySynn

    LadySynn Twisted and Sweet

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    The vacation ended and now I am relaxing away from it all elsewhere until Sunday. Looking forward to getting back home. Then I can get back to using a phone that actually works. But aside from that, it's been pretty okay. Very laid back. Enjoying the extra sleep. Has two odd dreams through.

    The dream I had yesterday was unpleasant and strange but short. I dreamed I was driving out of the drive way. I had to reverse around a car behind me but I went the wrong way, driving into the lawn instead of around the car. Somehow my Gameboy with Pokemon silver, the first game and system I ever owned, got dropped on the lawn and I demolished it went I ran it over. I was mortified. Like my feels in that moment could only compare to yanderechan in yandere simulator when senpai catches her with a dead body. I woke up and couldn't sleep for some time. Just felt so disturbed for some reason.

    My other dream I had last night was such more fun. An outlaw space pirate adventure. I remember a few moments clearly. Like jail cell I was with my crew before being moved to a facility just for captains, preparing me for transport to a largest station. I had no issues with the fact I was roomed with men. I was respected. But the space police were determined to separate me from them. I remember walking down the hall at the larger station with a messy blond haired captain of a noname crew. I walked by some woman in hell who side "look girls we get a new bitch to play with." I said "fuck off." As we passed, getting chuckle out of the blond guy. Half amused by his timid chuckle and figuring I would never see him again I comment. "I much rather fuck you anyway." Then we were separated briefly. A raid by my ally captain on the outside busted my crew out and reclaimed my ship. Little did I know the noname crew got out during the mayhem as well. Stealing a smaller vessel and tagging along it was the start of an epic adventure I'm sure. Until my alarm woke me. Would be an interesting start to an rp no? Love triangle pirate story. Freedom from the federation or perhaps to reclaim earth? Who knows. Lol
     
  6. LadySynn

    LadySynn Twisted and Sweet

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    Oh woe is me. The worst has happened. I couldn't ride the latest ride at an amusement park near my home. I love roller coasters so this was a dagger to my pride. I am not a fat person but I certainly am not skinny. My chest normally is the problem but you can squish those down and we are good to go. But this ride, the bar thing game down mid thigh, didn't even reach my stomach. And it wouldn't click. I could push all I want, but I have zero upper arm strength. And the guy who as checking the rails refused to give it a little push. Which would have made it lock. The rail was on track thickest part of my thighs and I have thick thighs. This is the first it has ever stopped me. Funny thing is I rode all the other rides at the park no problem. Got in every one of them and was perfectly fine. Just that one was a problem. Though what pisses me off is the guy. He was the only one who wouldn't give my harness/rail a push. Normally I get it down then they come in and push it down tighter by one to two clicks. He was the only one who refused to so much as touch the railing. Anybody else would have gave it a little push. What was wrong with that?

    Oh well.

    Perhaps it's time I did some exercises. Can't let my inflamed ribs be the reason I don't exercise forever. Maybe do some squats? Something to think out my thighs..

    Book clap the sound of my thighs the pizzas so good om nom nom nom
     
  7. LadySynn

    LadySynn Twisted and Sweet

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    Hmm.. I've been a busy bee. Exams mostly. Aside from a well handled yard sale. Lots of work and planning but I have managed to survive it. I made enough money from the yard sale, I was able to add a new console to my ever growing collection. <3 this pleases me a great deal. A wonderful turn of events. But the struggle isnt over yet. As I begin to fully understand Physics, my grade in Organic Chemistry... had plummetted to the darkest whole there is. But there is still a hance for success. The lowest exam grade is dropped at the end of the semester and this was only exam one! With some proper study, I can over come this! I really don't want to repeat this class. x.x

    In other news, little ol' me is in her first ever relationship. Long distance. But he is a cutie and he has stolen my heart.

    It is all so new to me.

    In truth, I struggle with emotions. After a traumatic event as a child, well not truly traumatic but enough to effect little 6th grader me, I shut myself out from emotion. I saw 7 deaths in exactly 6 months. From christmas eve to the second week of june, ending in a tragic double funeral. The last death being an adopted cousin. Only red head in the fsmily. He was only 18. Just changed his last name to be the same as his nee family. He was so proud. Tragic. I shut myself up. I saw too many people i cared about die. I didn't want to be close to anybody after that. I had friends yes but i never allowed there to be an enotional sttschment, not until sometime in high school. That was when i started allowing emotions back into my life. But alot of feels are still foreign.

    This guy awoke a swirling sensation of feeling i never would have imagined. Admiration, fear, happiness, and others i have no name for. His words move me.

    I continue to fear.

    Am i too much? Not enough? Am i attractive? Am i going too fast? Am i worrying for no reason? Will he get bored of me? Will it last? Will the distance be too much?

    Perhaps i am over thinking it.

    I found my tarot card set form middle school and i have been giving readings to friends and various people. The accuracy is quite scary. But my csrds fortell happiness and love for him and good fortune for me.

    I can only hope and be myaelf right?

    In other news ive given up soda... you have no idea how much i crave a pepsi now. I am also doing some work outs in the evening in hopes of thinning out. Hoping to do better for myself.
     
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  8. LadySynn

    LadySynn Twisted and Sweet

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    I am so conflicted.

    I am studying forensic science. Its a 4.5 year degree path for a bachelors. Its an interesting course. Fascinating material. But difficult. Mostly if organic chemistry. They say chemistry makes or breaks a person. I think its probably broken me. I have no faith in my ability to pass the class and i need a C in organic chem to even begin my forensic classes. Its a tough spot im in. Because i have no faith in my ability to get that C.

    I could just drop to a science:biology degree. Im closer to my graduation date for that. 65 percent for forensics and 77 percent for biology. I like biology and i wouldnt need the chemistry classes. Would make my life easier.

    But... if i dropped, wouldnt that make me a quitter? Wouldnt that mean im giving up? I mean... i like forensics but... shit... idk... maybe my head is just in the wrong place right now. So many dark thoughts telling me im not cut out for this. I mean really? Am i cut out for this profession?

    Im lost.

    I dunno what to do.

    *sighs deeply*
     
  9. LadySynn

    LadySynn Twisted and Sweet

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    Woo been busy that is for sure.

    Finals are over. Got to retake chem. But i did well with my other classes. I expected more backlash for failing rhan i got. So cant help but say i am deeply relieved. Perhaps it was because of the holidays. I still hate myself for failing but ill pass next semester.

    This christmas has been hectic. Mom an dher boyfriend fight at every corner over stuff he is being a baby about. But my mom's nieces are in town for their first christmas away from home. They are 7 and 9. One is a bundle of energy and is as messy as a kid can come. "I cant help thst the cup did that." Ignores the fact she is a messy drinker and her face and shirt is covered in whatever she was drinking aside from the table and cup. Then the other is a witty little 9 year old with those perfectly timed one liners. They are an interesting and silly duo. No doubt this is the best christmas they will ever have. They have been to an amusement park, met the "real" santa claus while they were there, got a huge pile of presents, tomorrow they get ro do a build-a-bear and get their ears pierced. They are ecstatic for that to say the least.

    Meanwhile i am going crazy. I am their best friend now and i have little experience wirh little kids. Never been one to baby sit or have siblings. So this id all a new experience. Never been a kid person so i honestly dont know what im doing. Im just trying not to trauamtize them lol but they are having alot of fun.

    I played santa last night. Filled the stockings, put the presents under the tree, ate the cookies, made sure to leave cumbs on the cup and the plate, drank the milk, set out their framed pictures of themselves as santa special gift to them, and even colored a page of their coloring book. Signed it from santa because they really wanted santa to color a page in their christmas coloring book. All by myself. So proud... lol but sadly i was the first one the kids woke up this morning haha. They let my mom and her boyfriend sleep in. I woke up to the weight of a small body flopping onto the bed infront of my face whispering my name all excitedly. They just had to show off the picture frames and that santa colored their coloring book to me. All excited and happy. Haha it was funny.

    But i cant wait to sleep haha
     
  10. LadySynn

    LadySynn Twisted and Sweet

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    The last few days have been very rough. The girls went home last friday. The fsmily wanted to see us so we came home sunday. It was a pleasant visit. But when we came home... well.. spikey was not well. His cancer spread rapidly over the last few days. He stopped eating. He was drinking too much water and staying dehydrated. He just was not doing well. He laid down and just plain didn't move.

    So we put him down that night. It was hard. Very hard.

    Honestly... we had the dog one year and two months. He was 15 years old when he showed up. Honestly, i resented the dog. I didn't want a dog in the house. I wanted nothing to do with him. As far as i was concerned, he was the boyfriend'a dog and we were just dog watching. He would find a place to live or they would break up and the dog would go. But that never happened. Despite my efforts to not love that dog, i did.

    I don't think i ever said directly that i loved him. But whenever asked, i would say yeah. He was truly a lovable charmer in every way. We would have conversations. I would bath him and he would talk to me...

    Me: hmm?
    Him: ... *stares*
    Me: well what is it?
    Him: bark.
    Me: whst do you want then?
    Him: *stand up quickly* bark!
    Me: what do you want?
    Him: bark!
    Me: *stand up*
    Him: *runs to kitchen and looks to me* bark!
    Me: oh you want a treat?
    Him: bark! *sits down and does his little excited shuffle until he gets his treat*
    Me: silly dog... hehe

    This was every bath time. But he had so much personality. Just an insanely amazing personality. He was just too sweet not to fall in love with. But him and my mom were inseparable. She sat in her chair and he would sit in her lap. She would lay in bed and there he was. If he wasn't feeling well, he was right hat her heels. But boy did he love car rides. As soon as he saw us grab out shoes, he was at the door expecting his car ride. If he couldn't go he just pouted. Hell, he pouted when mom wasn't home. He just looked at me like i was crazy when she wasn't home. I couldn't ger him to move for anything unless i was interacting with the front door. Then hes go to the corner and see if my mom had come home. Of course i pet him time to time but i normally let him sleep in his bed until she came home.

    Honestly, i blame his desth on my mom's boyfriend's sister. She has a tendency to just barge her way into anything she shouldn't even have her nose in. Perhaps its because he was practically raised by her. But she forces her way into every topic and acts like a know it all. Assumes she knows everything. Acts like her way is the right way every single time when it isn't. She made a big deal out of the hospital closest to me being the best one in the whole city. It isn't. We told him not to go there one day when he had back pain. She insisted, came up and took him there anyway. Know what happened? The doctor gave him a rectal exam for no reason other than to check him for drugs when he was coming in for some lower back pain. Not to mention the doctor was a jackass about it. Which i expected. That particular hospital is horrid. She learned her lesson thst day. But it is always her way or the highway.

    Such a bitch sometimes... like honestly...

    But the reason i blame her is because when spikey, the dog, i don't think i even mentioned his name until now, got testicular cancer. The boyfriend stole him from his ex wife out in California and brought him here. He wasn't being taken care of. He had fleas to say the least. But he certainly got spoiled here. Long story short, he was never fixed. My mom said he had to be. Boyfriend refused and sure enough, after my mom made a comment about testicular cancer, he got exactly that. The sister insisted her vet is the best and the cheapest. So instead of taking the dog to a vet on my side of town, not just any vet but one that is amazing and had been amazing to us for years, we did alot of hunting to find a vet that actually did their job to say the least. But no, sister wanted us to save 20 bucks by making that dog wait a week and get fixed at her vet. So he did. A little time goes by and he gets this spot on his stomach adjacent to where his sack used to be. She took him to her vet again, and the reason we let her take him to her vet is because its the boyfriend's dog, its his say regarding the care of his doggo. Anyway her vet looks at it then gives them some prednisone and says come back next week. Show up, he says it got smaller. Few days later, it got alot of bruising around it. We tell his sister to take him to the vet and she refuses to do it. Another week goes by and the bruising continues. Finally its bad enough to warrent him telling my mom to take him to her vet. Bim bam boom, results same day and its cancer. They need more tests to see how far it has spread. Week later he goes in, and its in his spleen and his liver. All because his sister refused to take the dog to the vet when we asked and by the time the boyfriend realized oh hey he needs to go to a vet like yesterday, almost two months had passed since the spot showed up. So really its both thwir faults. But its hers because of how she manipulates him.

    Fights come about. We decide to make it quality of life for the dog. But the spot becomes a mass tumor. It drags a bit. But too much time has passed yet again to be able to conduct surgery. He had too much brusing to even consider it.

    If my mom had full say, the spot would have been tested day one at our vet. My mom would have had it surgically removed within that week. But no. That didn't happen. He didn't listen to my mom, his girlfriend, who has cats who are now 19, 17 and 14 years old. I mean that should be a hint that we know how to care for our animals. Not to mention he was here when poor oreo got hurt and ended up with feline herpies. The vet told us to put him down. But we force fed his scrawny butt, tricked him into drinking chick broth, got him the medical attention he needed and hes still alive and healthy. His feline herpies flares up time to time but hes still alive. He has survived it 3 times thanks to our chicken broth trick.

    But nothing can change the past. There ar eonly what ifs. And those are painful.

    Spikey lived very happily his last year. Happier than he ever was anywhere else. And boy did he love my mom. Whenever she and the boyfriend would kiss, he would get in a barking fit. He hated it. It was so funny. The funniest part is that the only way to make him stop barking was for me to yell "spike!" And he would snap his mouth shut and just give them a scornful look of disapproval.

    Even the boyfriend says the "traitor" was more attached to her than anybody else he ever knew.

    ... he told some interesting stories about him too. Apparently spikey's nose was crooked because he didn't like guns. One day his son's friend came over with a BB gun and fired it. Spike didn't like it, bit his ankle and then ran for his life down the hall. But at the dead end he turned and was about to fight the kid since he chanced him down. The kid pistol whipped the poor dog with the BB gun into the walk and knocked him out for a good solid minute. Then another time one of his sons did something to spike that he didn't like. So spike went onto his bed and left a shit on his pillow. Haha but spike was a player. The boyfriend joked this last one was gonna get him in hell... apparently he was riding a female pitbull in the middle of the street and jumped off her just before a car came barreling down the road. Lets just say.. she didn't make it. Seems spikey had a think for the dangerous side of life. He did say he used to disappear for 3 days and come hobbling back like he was on some 3 day binge drinking party. Who knows what sort of trouble that dog got into behind the scenes.

    But spikey was a charmer. A real sweet heart. All he had to do was walk up to me, sit down and give me that look of his and i couldn't not pet him.

    His passing.. was horrible. I didn't stay in the room for it. Perhaps i should have. The doctor bitch rushed the euthanasia process. The process is a sedative, saline cleanse then the actual medicine to end it... apparently she gave him the sedative, his head leaned back like he was feeling it but instead of waiting a couple moments to let it sit in, she rushed the final two steps. I heard my mom wail. She ran out saying it was the worst thing she had ever had to see. The doctor came out and said sometimes the passing doesnt always go smoothly.

    Spike cried when she injected it into him. He was gasping for air. He felt it. He felt it in the end. My mom was ready to hit that doctor. Because it wasn't out vet. It was a decision right then and there to go take him to be put down. We went to a 24 hour emergency vet becsuse spikey was in such bad shape. The bitch rushed the proceedure and made him in more pain than he should have been in. He was in enough pain already.

    My mom still cant decide which is cruelest after that. A quick death like that or a natural but slow death. I tell her this was better only because it was faster rather than days of pain, unable to eat or move. He would have starved before he died of the cancer.

    I hate that doctor for what she did. For rushing it. She should have been watching his eyes. Not the movement of his head.she should have waited for the sedative to make him go to sleep so he wouldn't feel it.

    Bitch...

    Sigh.. but at least he is in a better place. Safe. Happy. No more pain. He will on doubt be waiting on my mom to join him. I bet he will be at the pearly gates waiting for her just like when she comes home from work.

    Rest in Peace Spikey

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