In the Head of Synn

Discussion in 'Journals' started by LadySynn, May 2, 2017.

  1. LadySynn

    LadySynn Daiquari Queen

    Messages:
    1,664
    Likes Received:
    372
    Occupation:
    Queen of Strawberry Daiquaris
    Location:
    Bottom of a bottle
    Finals are just around the corner. Jeez.. like I got enough going on.

    Just changed my major successfully to forensics so that's less stress at least. But man oh man. I'm feeling uncomfortable. I cannot wait for these classes to end for good. My last exam is may 10th at 8am. Just gotta survive a few more days. So close yet so far away.

    Been so preoccupied with tutoring and such that I haven't been able to export my threads from ANH... So sad.. so sad to see such a great site go. But at least we have this place. A safe haven to keep such a bright community alive still. <3 so very. Very happy.

    But I'm still kicking my own butt for not getting to the exporting threads sooner. So unhappy with myself. Only got a few shreds saved. Suppose it's better than nothing.

    I wonder if ANH will reopen so I can collect what is left I needed to get... I have a suspicious feeling it won't but hey, we can all hope right?

    Well it's late. I'm beyond tied and I need to sleep.

    Night!
     
    Miss Wood likes this.
  2. LadySynn

    LadySynn Daiquari Queen

    Messages:
    1,664
    Likes Received:
    372
    Occupation:
    Queen of Strawberry Daiquaris
    Location:
    Bottom of a bottle
    Be crazy. My cat hhad two emergency sergeries in one week. Some animal got ahold of his throat and the wound abcessed then re-abcessed but he is all better now. Finish the last of his antibiotics today, or well yesterday given the time.

    I wt to a family reunion which was fun. I became the favorite cousin among all the kiddies so my body ached bad from puahing those swings. Didn't think it was going to be thank much of a work out. Haha but it was a good time. My family was happy to see us come in. I don't know why my cousin thought it was a good idea to set his bed on fire though. He knew we were staying at his parent's place. So he was sleeping on the couch, I was on the love seat and my mom was on the air mattress. That was fun but oh well. I managed to get some sleep despite his snores. Crazy people. But I am related to alot of crazy people it seems. Miracle tbat I'm not crazy.... then again maybe I am... lol.

    More rceent as in up coming news.. I turn 21 tomorrow! Or well, today... haha. Oi... I don't know how I feel about it. Officially an adult. No restrictions. I can legally drink. Kinda scary really, having so much... power. Feels weird like I am too young for this but since I am able to do this now, I feel old. Ugh. I kinda want to hibernate though tlmorrow as if it never existed but my mom was insistant on doing something. So I'm going out with her friends to celebrate. They are goinf to pick out alcohol for me that isnt too strong and that I may like to introduce me into the world of alcohol. Nervous. Shouldn't be nervous but I am. Well hopefully tomorrow goes nicely at least.
     
  3. LadySynn

    LadySynn Daiquari Queen

    Messages:
    1,664
    Likes Received:
    372
    Occupation:
    Queen of Strawberry Daiquaris
    Location:
    Bottom of a bottle
    Interesting times to say the least.

    I turned 21. Had an awesome little get together. Saw a movie, had an awesome lunch, met up for drinking with my mom's friends. Never got hungover or anything. Not even buzzed. Four fruity mixed drinks in total and the worst I felt was standing up at the end of the night and feeling the world make one solid spin. Then I was fine again. It was nice. Been drinking wine coolers off and on since then. Only in the evenings when I know I'm not going out. I got alot of money for my birthday. I got until dawn, mass effect Andromeda, tales of berseria, horizon zero Dawn, Serbia 3, fallout 4, final fantasy 15, persona 5, disgaea 5, and the last guardian. I even got a 50" 1080p Vizio TV for my room and an Atari system. Was pretty awesome. But things have been down hill since.

    My mom has a planned surgery on her foot to remove two Morton's neuromas. Not bad. Surgery went well. She did alot better this time than the last two times she had the surgery. But she woke up with a stiff neck that progressed into two herniated disks in her neck that were pressed to her spinal cord. Had to go through another surgery.... What is interesting is how medicine affects her. Medicines often made her hateful. She hates taking it because she knows that medication puts her on a short fuse. Yet when she is on an IV pumping her with various things she is even worse. Let's just say she lost her temper so bad she broke up with he boyfriend and it is a miracle they are still together. Like, he finally found out the other day just what she did to him and she cried because of how terrible it was. She has no memory of it. Of course I have learned the "yes dear" trick for when she is medicated because there is no arguing with her when she is medicated by any degree. It only is worse if you try to explain anything to her.

    But during all of this, she flowers behind on her bills. Now our phone company fucked up. Double billed us, kept giving us different stories, lying to us... So on. What happened is that she spent 2 hours confirming the phones we got were buy one get one free. So we got them. Expected a maybe 150 bill every month. Nope. Lied, said it was buy one get one half off. So much running around took place then. One person said we pay for the phones 3 months then get reimbursed, another said he fixed it but didn't do anything and just put a 50 dollar credit to the account. Went round and round with a manager refusing to help us that ended with my mom telling her "you have been entirely unhelpful and I think I am going to hang up now." Click. She also warned the manager plenty of time that if she couldn't fix our bill we wouldn't be their customer by the end of the day. And guess what? Same day we called TMobile. Now we are with them. Just using these temporary crappy phones while they pay off our current balance with the other company. Once that is over they will unlock the phone so can return to to using it. So happy. I really liked that other phone. Real fancy.

    I did get to go to Nickelback's 4th of July Concert. That was amazingly fun. First concert I ever went to. Real good time jamming to the music. My mom insisted I go while she was in the hospital since my dad ordered the tickets months in advanced. Had alot of funny moments. Lead singer joked about the best seat in the house being on he platform behind the drummer... Because of sweaty drummer crack but "don't worry ladies, he works out." Oh and he got sweaty he changed his shirt then started joking about his closet being a ball void because all he has is black... Lol I just enjoyed myself.

    Yet more had luck continues. Two maybe three days ago now my mom's boyfriend got in a car accident. Or well, his truck hydroplaned. Flipped over the side. If he had been wearing his seatbelt he wouldn't be alive now. It was bad. But same night, my best friend's mom was in a car accident. A hit and run. Guy hit her car then ran from the scene. She is in bad shape. I feel so sorry for her. My best wishes go out to her. it certainly is going to be rough. I hope things work out for them. I am driving her to work tomorrow since she doesn't have a ride.

    But there is one bright side still. This medicine my mom is on makes her talk in her sleep and hallucinate. It is really funny. Example 1, she was asking who Jeremiah was constantly and apparently I was dating him except there were a dozen guys in the house apparently trying to say they were Jeremiah and she wanted to know which one was the relationship one. Example 2, apparently her boyfriend is a pediatric insured by the company she works for and another time he was a car thief and she was his accomplice wanting to know what to do with the new car. Example 3, apparently there was a baby with a cord in his mouth and a over filled diaper ad because either didn't change it in time I stepped in the diaper because I didn't see it... She is hilarious on this medication! XD
     
  4. LadySynn

    LadySynn Daiquari Queen

    Messages:
    1,664
    Likes Received:
    372
    Occupation:
    Queen of Strawberry Daiquaris
    Location:
    Bottom of a bottle
    If anybody needed a vacation from a vacation it would be me now. Barely been three days and I keep looking at my purse. Thinking about all the medication inside. I'd never do it though. No matter how much I may want to. I am not somebody who would take their own life but damn.. it would be one hell of an easy way out... But fuck, the voice in my head keeps egging me on. But I refuse. I am stronger than this. I know there are people who care about me. I can't just give up because I don't want to go on. I can't do that to them.

    Maybe it's the alcohol talking. Or maybe it's making me sick. I feel a bit fevered. Maybe it's because I cried a bit today. Went to get my phone from my suitcase and just started silently bawling. Couldn't stop now I'm here. Because I need to stop. I need to get my mind away from all of this.

    I'd never take my life. Don't worry dear reader. If anybody even reads this.. haha. A weird thought really. An open journal like this. Where everything is just tossed to the wind. To be documented and seen or not seen. Weird thinking people would actually find interest reading this. Or not. But if you are reading this. Well. I dunno then. Just an odd thought.

    But I suppose I should give mention of what this vacation of been like. To give a taste of all of this that has transpired. I arrived Saturday night. It was insisted that I being my PS4 by 3 people. I arrive and there are only tube TV's and 2 plasmas. Boyfriend's sister refused to give up either HDMI compatible TV's to let us enjoy some evening games. Woke up Sunday alone. Abandoned by just about everyone. everyone being my mom, her boyfriend, boyfriend's sister, her daughter, her husband and her daughter's friend. Abandoned to the beach house. Nobody told me the plan or when to be up. Nobody bothered to knock and say hey, we are going to so and so wanna come then get ready. Just left me to sleep. If I wanted to sleep and play video games all day I would have stayed home. Second day, surprise, niece had a birthday. How unprepared we were! Rushed gifts out to dinner. Thunder storms. Not much to do. Today. Niece and I abandoned as everybody ran off to be with dolphins. You would think they would get the kid up at least to join them but no. Left her with me and we slept in. I did get to go to the movies today. Saw war for the planet of the apes. Just wish I could have enjoyed it. My mom and her boyfriend fought the whole way to the movies. She dragged me into the fight. After the movie I ended up crying. And now here we are.

    I need another drink.
     
  5. LadySynn

    LadySynn Daiquari Queen

    Messages:
    1,664
    Likes Received:
    372
    Occupation:
    Queen of Strawberry Daiquaris
    Location:
    Bottom of a bottle
    The vacation ended and now I am relaxing away from it all elsewhere until Sunday. Looking forward to getting back home. Then I can get back to using a phone that actually works. But aside from that, it's been pretty okay. Very laid back. Enjoying the extra sleep. Has two odd dreams through.

    The dream I had yesterday was unpleasant and strange but short. I dreamed I was driving out of the drive way. I had to reverse around a car behind me but I went the wrong way, driving into the lawn instead of around the car. Somehow my Gameboy with Pokemon silver, the first game and system I ever owned, got dropped on the lawn and I demolished it went I ran it over. I was mortified. Like my feels in that moment could only compare to yanderechan in yandere simulator when senpai catches her with a dead body. I woke up and couldn't sleep for some time. Just felt so disturbed for some reason.

    My other dream I had last night was such more fun. An outlaw space pirate adventure. I remember a few moments clearly. Like jail cell I was with my crew before being moved to a facility just for captains, preparing me for transport to a largest station. I had no issues with the fact I was roomed with men. I was respected. But the space police were determined to separate me from them. I remember walking down the hall at the larger station with a messy blond haired captain of a noname crew. I walked by some woman in hell who side "look girls we get a new bitch to play with." I said "fuck off." As we passed, getting chuckle out of the blond guy. Half amused by his timid chuckle and figuring I would never see him again I comment. "I much rather fuck you anyway." Then we were separated briefly. A raid by my ally captain on the outside busted my crew out and reclaimed my ship. Little did I know the noname crew got out during the mayhem as well. Stealing a smaller vessel and tagging along it was the start of an epic adventure I'm sure. Until my alarm woke me. Would be an interesting start to an rp no? Love triangle pirate story. Freedom from the federation or perhaps to reclaim earth? Who knows. Lol
     
  6. LadySynn

    LadySynn Daiquari Queen

    Messages:
    1,664
    Likes Received:
    372
    Occupation:
    Queen of Strawberry Daiquaris
    Location:
    Bottom of a bottle
    Oh woe is me. The worst has happened. I couldn't ride the latest ride at an amusement park near my home. I love roller coasters so this was a dagger to my pride. I am not a fat person but I certainly am not skinny. My chest normally is the problem but you can squish those down and we are good to go. But this ride, the bar thing game down mid thigh, didn't even reach my stomach. And it wouldn't click. I could push all I want, but I have zero upper arm strength. And the guy who as checking the rails refused to give it a little push. Which would have made it lock. The rail was on track thickest part of my thighs and I have thick thighs. This is the first it has ever stopped me. Funny thing is I rode all the other rides at the park no problem. Got in every one of them and was perfectly fine. Just that one was a problem. Though what pisses me off is the guy. He was the only one who wouldn't give my harness/rail a push. Normally I get it down then they come in and push it down tighter by one to two clicks. He was the only one who refused to so much as touch the railing. Anybody else would have gave it a little push. What was wrong with that?

    Oh well.

    Perhaps it's time I did some exercises. Can't let my inflamed ribs be the reason I don't exercise forever. Maybe do some squats? Something to think out my thighs..

    Book clap the sound of my thighs the pizzas so good om nom nom nom
     
  7. LadySynn

    LadySynn Daiquari Queen

    Messages:
    1,664
    Likes Received:
    372
    Occupation:
    Queen of Strawberry Daiquaris
    Location:
    Bottom of a bottle
    Hmm.. I've been a busy bee. Exams mostly. Aside from a well handled yard sale. Lots of work and planning but I have managed to survive it. I made enough money from the yard sale, I was able to add a new console to my ever growing collection. <3 this pleases me a great deal. A wonderful turn of events. But the struggle isnt over yet. As I begin to fully understand Physics, my grade in Organic Chemistry... had plummetted to the darkest whole there is. But there is still a hance for success. The lowest exam grade is dropped at the end of the semester and this was only exam one! With some proper study, I can over come this! I really don't want to repeat this class. x.x

    In other news, little ol' me is in her first ever relationship. Long distance. But he is a cutie and he has stolen my heart.

    It is all so new to me.

    In truth, I struggle with emotions. After a traumatic event as a child, well not truly traumatic but enough to effect little 6th grader me, I shut myself out from emotion. I saw 7 deaths in exactly 6 months. From christmas eve to the second week of june, ending in a tragic double funeral. The last death being an adopted cousin. Only red head in the fsmily. He was only 18. Just changed his last name to be the same as his nee family. He was so proud. Tragic. I shut myself up. I saw too many people i cared about die. I didn't want to be close to anybody after that. I had friends yes but i never allowed there to be an enotional sttschment, not until sometime in high school. That was when i started allowing emotions back into my life. But alot of feels are still foreign.

    This guy awoke a swirling sensation of feeling i never would have imagined. Admiration, fear, happiness, and others i have no name for. His words move me.

    I continue to fear.

    Am i too much? Not enough? Am i attractive? Am i going too fast? Am i worrying for no reason? Will he get bored of me? Will it last? Will the distance be too much?

    Perhaps i am over thinking it.

    I found my tarot card set form middle school and i have been giving readings to friends and various people. The accuracy is quite scary. But my csrds fortell happiness and love for him and good fortune for me.

    I can only hope and be myaelf right?

    In other news ive given up soda... you have no idea how much i crave a pepsi now. I am also doing some work outs in the evening in hopes of thinning out. Hoping to do better for myself.
     
    Moose and Miss Wood like this.
  8. LadySynn

    LadySynn Daiquari Queen

    Messages:
    1,664
    Likes Received:
    372
    Occupation:
    Queen of Strawberry Daiquaris
    Location:
    Bottom of a bottle
    I am so conflicted.

    I am studying forensic science. Its a 4.5 year degree path for a bachelors. Its an interesting course. Fascinating material. But difficult. Mostly if organic chemistry. They say chemistry makes or breaks a person. I think its probably broken me. I have no faith in my ability to pass the class and i need a C in organic chem to even begin my forensic classes. Its a tough spot im in. Because i have no faith in my ability to get that C.

    I could just drop to a science:biology degree. Im closer to my graduation date for that. 65 percent for forensics and 77 percent for biology. I like biology and i wouldnt need the chemistry classes. Would make my life easier.

    But... if i dropped, wouldnt that make me a quitter? Wouldnt that mean im giving up? I mean... i like forensics but... shit... idk... maybe my head is just in the wrong place right now. So many dark thoughts telling me im not cut out for this. I mean really? Am i cut out for this profession?

    Im lost.

    I dunno what to do.

    *sighs deeply*
     
  9. LadySynn

    LadySynn Daiquari Queen

    Messages:
    1,664
    Likes Received:
    372
    Occupation:
    Queen of Strawberry Daiquaris
    Location:
    Bottom of a bottle
    Woo been busy that is for sure.

    Finals are over. Got to retake chem. But i did well with my other classes. I expected more backlash for failing rhan i got. So cant help but say i am deeply relieved. Perhaps it was because of the holidays. I still hate myself for failing but ill pass next semester.

    This christmas has been hectic. Mom an dher boyfriend fight at every corner over stuff he is being a baby about. But my mom's nieces are in town for their first christmas away from home. They are 7 and 9. One is a bundle of energy and is as messy as a kid can come. "I cant help thst the cup did that." Ignores the fact she is a messy drinker and her face and shirt is covered in whatever she was drinking aside from the table and cup. Then the other is a witty little 9 year old with those perfectly timed one liners. They are an interesting and silly duo. No doubt this is the best christmas they will ever have. They have been to an amusement park, met the "real" santa claus while they were there, got a huge pile of presents, tomorrow they get ro do a build-a-bear and get their ears pierced. They are ecstatic for that to say the least.

    Meanwhile i am going crazy. I am their best friend now and i have little experience wirh little kids. Never been one to baby sit or have siblings. So this id all a new experience. Never been a kid person so i honestly dont know what im doing. Im just trying not to trauamtize them lol but they are having alot of fun.

    I played santa last night. Filled the stockings, put the presents under the tree, ate the cookies, made sure to leave cumbs on the cup and the plate, drank the milk, set out their framed pictures of themselves as santa special gift to them, and even colored a page of their coloring book. Signed it from santa because they really wanted santa to color a page in their christmas coloring book. All by myself. So proud... lol but sadly i was the first one the kids woke up this morning haha. They let my mom and her boyfriend sleep in. I woke up to the weight of a small body flopping onto the bed infront of my face whispering my name all excitedly. They just had to show off the picture frames and that santa colored their coloring book to me. All excited and happy. Haha it was funny.

    But i cant wait to sleep haha
     
  10. LadySynn

    LadySynn Daiquari Queen

    Messages:
    1,664
    Likes Received:
    372
    Occupation:
    Queen of Strawberry Daiquaris
    Location:
    Bottom of a bottle
    The last few days have been very rough. The girls went home last friday. The fsmily wanted to see us so we came home sunday. It was a pleasant visit. But when we came home... well.. spikey was not well. His cancer spread rapidly over the last few days. He stopped eating. He was drinking too much water and staying dehydrated. He just was not doing well. He laid down and just plain didn't move.

    So we put him down that night. It was hard. Very hard.

    Honestly... we had the dog one year and two months. He was 15 years old when he showed up. Honestly, i resented the dog. I didn't want a dog in the house. I wanted nothing to do with him. As far as i was concerned, he was the boyfriend'a dog and we were just dog watching. He would find a place to live or they would break up and the dog would go. But that never happened. Despite my efforts to not love that dog, i did.

    I don't think i ever said directly that i loved him. But whenever asked, i would say yeah. He was truly a lovable charmer in every way. We would have conversations. I would bath him and he would talk to me...

    Me: hmm?
    Him: ... *stares*
    Me: well what is it?
    Him: bark.
    Me: whst do you want then?
    Him: *stand up quickly* bark!
    Me: what do you want?
    Him: bark!
    Me: *stand up*
    Him: *runs to kitchen and looks to me* bark!
    Me: oh you want a treat?
    Him: bark! *sits down and does his little excited shuffle until he gets his treat*
    Me: silly dog... hehe

    This was every bath time. But he had so much personality. Just an insanely amazing personality. He was just too sweet not to fall in love with. But him and my mom were inseparable. She sat in her chair and he would sit in her lap. She would lay in bed and there he was. If he wasn't feeling well, he was right hat her heels. But boy did he love car rides. As soon as he saw us grab out shoes, he was at the door expecting his car ride. If he couldn't go he just pouted. Hell, he pouted when mom wasn't home. He just looked at me like i was crazy when she wasn't home. I couldn't ger him to move for anything unless i was interacting with the front door. Then hes go to the corner and see if my mom had come home. Of course i pet him time to time but i normally let him sleep in his bed until she came home.

    Honestly, i blame his desth on my mom's boyfriend's sister. She has a tendency to just barge her way into anything she shouldn't even have her nose in. Perhaps its because he was practically raised by her. But she forces her way into every topic and acts like a know it all. Assumes she knows everything. Acts like her way is the right way every single time when it isn't. She made a big deal out of the hospital closest to me being the best one in the whole city. It isn't. We told him not to go there one day when he had back pain. She insisted, came up and took him there anyway. Know what happened? The doctor gave him a rectal exam for no reason other than to check him for drugs when he was coming in for some lower back pain. Not to mention the doctor was a jackass about it. Which i expected. That particular hospital is horrid. She learned her lesson thst day. But it is always her way or the highway.

    Such a bitch sometimes... like honestly...

    But the reason i blame her is because when spikey, the dog, i don't think i even mentioned his name until now, got testicular cancer. The boyfriend stole him from his ex wife out in California and brought him here. He wasn't being taken care of. He had fleas to say the least. But he certainly got spoiled here. Long story short, he was never fixed. My mom said he had to be. Boyfriend refused and sure enough, after my mom made a comment about testicular cancer, he got exactly that. The sister insisted her vet is the best and the cheapest. So instead of taking the dog to a vet on my side of town, not just any vet but one that is amazing and had been amazing to us for years, we did alot of hunting to find a vet that actually did their job to say the least. But no, sister wanted us to save 20 bucks by making that dog wait a week and get fixed at her vet. So he did. A little time goes by and he gets this spot on his stomach adjacent to where his sack used to be. She took him to her vet again, and the reason we let her take him to her vet is because its the boyfriend's dog, its his say regarding the care of his doggo. Anyway her vet looks at it then gives them some prednisone and says come back next week. Show up, he says it got smaller. Few days later, it got alot of bruising around it. We tell his sister to take him to the vet and she refuses to do it. Another week goes by and the bruising continues. Finally its bad enough to warrent him telling my mom to take him to her vet. Bim bam boom, results same day and its cancer. They need more tests to see how far it has spread. Week later he goes in, and its in his spleen and his liver. All because his sister refused to take the dog to the vet when we asked and by the time the boyfriend realized oh hey he needs to go to a vet like yesterday, almost two months had passed since the spot showed up. So really its both thwir faults. But its hers because of how she manipulates him.

    Fights come about. We decide to make it quality of life for the dog. But the spot becomes a mass tumor. It drags a bit. But too much time has passed yet again to be able to conduct surgery. He had too much brusing to even consider it.

    If my mom had full say, the spot would have been tested day one at our vet. My mom would have had it surgically removed within that week. But no. That didn't happen. He didn't listen to my mom, his girlfriend, who has cats who are now 19, 17 and 14 years old. I mean that should be a hint that we know how to care for our animals. Not to mention he was here when poor oreo got hurt and ended up with feline herpies. The vet told us to put him down. But we force fed his scrawny butt, tricked him into drinking chick broth, got him the medical attention he needed and hes still alive and healthy. His feline herpies flares up time to time but hes still alive. He has survived it 3 times thanks to our chicken broth trick.

    But nothing can change the past. There ar eonly what ifs. And those are painful.

    Spikey lived very happily his last year. Happier than he ever was anywhere else. And boy did he love my mom. Whenever she and the boyfriend would kiss, he would get in a barking fit. He hated it. It was so funny. The funniest part is that the only way to make him stop barking was for me to yell "spike!" And he would snap his mouth shut and just give them a scornful look of disapproval.

    Even the boyfriend says the "traitor" was more attached to her than anybody else he ever knew.

    ... he told some interesting stories about him too. Apparently spikey's nose was crooked because he didn't like guns. One day his son's friend came over with a BB gun and fired it. Spike didn't like it, bit his ankle and then ran for his life down the hall. But at the dead end he turned and was about to fight the kid since he chanced him down. The kid pistol whipped the poor dog with the BB gun into the walk and knocked him out for a good solid minute. Then another time one of his sons did something to spike that he didn't like. So spike went onto his bed and left a shit on his pillow. Haha but spike was a player. The boyfriend joked this last one was gonna get him in hell... apparently he was riding a female pitbull in the middle of the street and jumped off her just before a car came barreling down the road. Lets just say.. she didn't make it. Seems spikey had a think for the dangerous side of life. He did say he used to disappear for 3 days and come hobbling back like he was on some 3 day binge drinking party. Who knows what sort of trouble that dog got into behind the scenes.

    But spikey was a charmer. A real sweet heart. All he had to do was walk up to me, sit down and give me that look of his and i couldn't not pet him.

    His passing.. was horrible. I didn't stay in the room for it. Perhaps i should have. The doctor bitch rushed the euthanasia process. The process is a sedative, saline cleanse then the actual medicine to end it... apparently she gave him the sedative, his head leaned back like he was feeling it but instead of waiting a couple moments to let it sit in, she rushed the final two steps. I heard my mom wail. She ran out saying it was the worst thing she had ever had to see. The doctor came out and said sometimes the passing doesnt always go smoothly.

    Spike cried when she injected it into him. He was gasping for air. He felt it. He felt it in the end. My mom was ready to hit that doctor. Because it wasn't out vet. It was a decision right then and there to go take him to be put down. We went to a 24 hour emergency vet becsuse spikey was in such bad shape. The bitch rushed the proceedure and made him in more pain than he should have been in. He was in enough pain already.

    My mom still cant decide which is cruelest after that. A quick death like that or a natural but slow death. I tell her this was better only because it was faster rather than days of pain, unable to eat or move. He would have starved before he died of the cancer.

    I hate that doctor for what she did. For rushing it. She should have been watching his eyes. Not the movement of his head.she should have waited for the sedative to make him go to sleep so he wouldn't feel it.

    Bitch...

    Sigh.. but at least he is in a better place. Safe. Happy. No more pain. He will on doubt be waiting on my mom to join him. I bet he will be at the pearly gates waiting for her just like when she comes home from work.

    Rest in Peace Spikey

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    /url]
    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
     
    Cece and Moose like this.
  11. LadySynn

    LadySynn Daiquari Queen

    Messages:
    1,664
    Likes Received:
    372
    Occupation:
    Queen of Strawberry Daiquaris
    Location:
    Bottom of a bottle
    Alots happened since my last entry.

    I got two new doggos. Cole and Terra.

    It was like fate. We applied for Cole but he already got adopted. So a friend pressed us to check the SPCA. And we found Terra. Turns out the very day we looked was the day she was put into the system. Her owners surrendered her, unable to take care of her. It was like perfectly timed for us to find her and we adopted her the very next day. It was wonderful. Then a week later Cole's adoption fell through so we got him and what a pair. Those two are so cute.

    Cole is a cuddler. He loves to be petted and will make little hyena like whimpers if you dont pet him, pushing his nose under your arm or hand. Has to always be in your lap. Then Terra is a sweetie. Will sleep by you, loves to play with your hands. The both are so gentle and jealous. And they love to give kisses. They always aim for the lips, not just anywhere... lol

    The other day we put down two bowls. And when cole ate out of his bowl (he only eats like 2-3 kibble at a time. Will pick them up, walk away and eat them then run back for more) he turned and ate them facing my mom and my mom said goodboy. So then terra ate from her bowl and looked to my mom to be told a good girl. Then they both kept doing it until the both finished their bowls... it was so cute!

    But aside from cute doggy antics. My mental health seems to have plummeted. I've had less energy and less focus. Easily stressed out. Severely on edge. The multitude of dark thoughts in my head has been intense.

    It roughly started as a low energy period of a few days prior to a horrid daydream in the shower. A dream where i had stabbed myself in the stomach and was sitting in the kitchen floor. I had called 911 to tell them where i was, just wanting the blood cleaned up before my mom got home. Apparently sitting against the counter, bleeding out was the most relaxed and peaceful i ever felt. When i was asked why i said it was because i hated life. Not because i hated my life. Not because anybody drove me to it or anything. I just hated life in general.

    Meeseeks: life is pain

    It horrified me to say the least to have seen that. But i tried to shake it off but it hasn't worked. My mind keeps going to it. The day after it rained and i was struggling thr whole day. The feelings i felt in thst dream was too intense. The hollowness. I felt dead. I nearly got teary eyed in art class even. But some good did come out of that day. A friend i hadn't seen since freshman year of college was visitng campus for a bookstore and saw me through the window while i was eating. It was nice catching up with her. Exchanged numbers so we can stay in contact since her old number was discontinued so she lost my number.

    It was nice.

    But that dead feeling is still there. Lurking in the back.

    Reminds me of that disturbing dream i had a couple weeks prior. Where i was walking in my favorite boots. The pair i wear every day whrn my friend notices a scruff at the tip of one of them. I ignore it and then it rains. My foot was waterlogged so i took my boot off. Then in investigated the scruff to see how bad it was. It wasnt a scruff. It was a hole big enough to put your finger in but when you looked inside, it was some sort of damp, endless, black cavern. It felt like something was lurking inside. Staring back at me. I woke feeling disturbed. Alarmed. Because it felt like the dream was trying to say something about myself. Who i am.

    And yesterday in the shower again, i closed my eyes to face the showerhead when i saw a sort of black lion with red eyes staring at me. I opened my eyes and of course i just saw the showerhead. Starting to think im going crazy. Like that lion was such a strong, dangerous feeling force. Malicious. I felt truly terrified for that moment before i opened my eyes and even after.

    I think the stress of this semester is getting to me. That or im just losing my sanity.

    I just need to be taken out... on a date or a sniper. I dont care. Actually, give me a sniper lol

    Oi.

    What a depressing valentines day.

    Oh well.

    Hope your valentines day is wonderful lol.
     
  12. LadySynn

    LadySynn Daiquari Queen

    Messages:
    1,664
    Likes Received:
    372
    Occupation:
    Queen of Strawberry Daiquaris
    Location:
    Bottom of a bottle
    I've been taking an art class lately. Its a requirement of the school to take one fine arts class. I decided to do an observational drawing class. Needless to say i have become my teacher's favorite.

    When students think they are done early he will be skeptical and ask them if it really is done. Of course they say yeah but then he turned to the neighboring student, normally me and ill point out something they missed. Something lost in the detail or not detailed enough. A highlight they didn't notice. So on.

    But he saw my artwork and he loves it.

    Yesterday during break, which i normally work through since i eat before class, he sat down beside me and told me to take a break in thst voice like i was in trouble. But he was showing me his latest exhibition. He told me about how he turned down an award for one of his paintings because of who owned the company wanting to award the artwork. Somehow thst turned into me talking about the only 2 awards i got for my art. 1 being place in a juried show and winning and the other of being first place among all the high schools in the state.

    He loved the artwork. He loves my sketchbook even more. He told me that i had the talent people entering the art program at my school wish they had. All he had to say was glowing things about my work. He said i was being smart about getting a degree in something else becsuse i could always go back to art, explaining how the college didn't teach you how to promote yourself as an artist.

    But today, as i was working on a raven for class, i started to cry. I couldn't stop thinking about it among other things.

    Things such as the way my art teachers treated me. I had two teachers who insisted i had talent. Who were really nice and disappointed in my choice. Another who had this attitude where she didn't like anything i did but she still tried to pressure me for art school. But ultimately seemed to give up on me because i wasn't going to art school. I recalled my mom and how she pressured me to actually do something instead of art. Said i wouldn't be able to do anything with it. Wasn't practical. Said i could pursue art after i got myself in a stable situation. Income and secured life more important. Then i recalled 2 art critics i got to personally talk to at an art gallery i help out at. One looked me dead in the eye and said my work would never place in a real juried show. Another said thst my work was interesting and that she liked it. She was rather dumbfounded when i told her what the first critic told me.

    The art world is full of criticism and personal opinion on what is art and what isn't. I can't help but feel the pressure of it.

    My art teacher that gave up on me always tried to get me to find meaning or purpose in what i do. But really, i do it because i like it. I like the way people look. The expressions. The gestures. The expressions in animals. How different and similar we are to them. Just shapes and shading really. Does art really need some deep meaning behind it always? I always made a Bull shit explaination that i was trying to capture the emotion of the person just to make her happy.

    But there is no purpose or direction to what i do. I just do it to be doing it.

    And people talk of talent. What talent is there in what i do? I can't convey what is in my mind no matter how long i hold a pencil to a paper. No matter how many layers of streaks i put down. It never measures up. What i have is practiced. It isn't talent. I wasn't born yesterday and was able to do this. I just kept drawing. I got lucky. That is all. I did more drawing and people considered it talent. I did more drawing and trained myself to see what others didn't. It isn't talent that made my art what it is. Its work. Skill. Sure i did it for fun but i always wanted to do better. I once wanted extreme realism but then i realized something. That it wasn't me. I realized in high school i had a way to drawing unique to me. If i worked to become realistic to what i was striving for, i would have lost what i have that gives my work its own personality.

    So i keep what i have while improving it.

    I don't know why i broke down and just started crying. Maybe because i don't see my art as a talent. I see myself as mediocre and talentless really. I know i should feel proud of my teacher's praise. I should be happy.

    But it only makes me depressed and i don't understand why.

    I tried to put my thoughts to words. But i still can't comprehend why i feel this way. Why am i so sad about this? I dunno anymore.

    I really hate emotions.

    No god damned sense.
     
  13. LadySynn

    LadySynn Daiquari Queen

    Messages:
    1,664
    Likes Received:
    372
    Occupation:
    Queen of Strawberry Daiquaris
    Location:
    Bottom of a bottle
    Bad luck. Got sick. Exams are on hold till after break because of suck bad timing. What a mess. Am i right?

    Wake up fevered, battle the fever for 4 days then get pink eye, turns out i have walking pneumonia. So fun fun fun.

    Finished the only exam i could take at home. So im pretty much on spring break now. An early once since spring break starts monday technically. So fun. Guess i can start playing video games then play catch up on my studies say thursday of next week? Maybe friday? Regardless, i got a week of material to catch up on.

    Eh. Anyway. I was painting with ink. Something i havent done in years now. Surprising. I loved working in ink. So much. It was always my choice medium. But of course time had tk go to my studies and what not when i got to college and art faded out. But this art class has given me the chance to reconnect with it.

    My phone was dying so i stepped away from my painting and i spotted my tarot cards. It was practically begging me to do a ten card reading.

    The type of reading i do is a celtic cross reading. Its 2 cards at the center, 4 around it then 4 on the side.

    The first card represents prevailing influences and my nature as a person. I drew the page of cups. In short the artistic, gentle but dreamy type of person who wonders aimlessly.

    Sounds like me, especially right now. Lol

    The second card, the opposing forces. This card is always read in a positive light because of its position on top of the first card. Sorta like a light reflecting on the gem at the center of a decorative celtic cross. Ironic that i chose that description because i drew the sun. A sign of success and contentment where creative talents are being fully promoted and recognized.

    I did have that revelation in my last post where i began crying when working on my raven picture. A friend of mine helps me realize that is was myself realizing that i truly loved art and i just crushed myself realizing that i chose a different path from it.

    The third card is above the two in the center. This card is the ideal solution of what will actually be achieved. This is typically what is affecting you in this very moment, within this very week. I drew the 9 of swords. In short the ideal solution is passive resistance.

    Makes sense given my current situation is that of illness. Cant really do anything about it.

    Fourth card is directly below the two in the center. This card represents the heart of the matter. This is both past and present influences. I got 3 of coin which is a sign that my role has increased in some way but warns about grand plans and lack of detail.

    I have started an amazon business, sorta. I began working with my moms boyfriend on a little business venture. I wanted to focus in something i knew well enough, anime figures. They buy cheap in bulk and sell high. But i had failed to realize it wasnt my best call. My first product i didnt even pick. The boyfriend, after i told him a large bit on what i knew on nendroids and figmas and showed some examples, picked a nendroid and ordered it without telling me. Its for an anime that is popular but the figures would not sell fast. If he had asked me first i could have told him exactly what to order and they probably would have sold already. But instead we are one of 47 sellers on amazon selling the same nendroid at the same price. He would not heed my advice. So who knows how long the 5 nendroids will sit in the spare room before we get a notification on if one sells. I may have to take his account info and change it myself so that it has a better potential of selling. Oi.

    Card 5, directly to the right is the past influences that no longer play a role in the current moment. The 6 of coins. In short... debts.

    But my dad paid my tuition this semester. Weeee!

    Card 6, directly to the left of the center. The future influences to come soon. The temperance. Concern for the welfare for the less fortunate, careful management if own health, warning for moderation.

    Helped an online friend finally consider divorce to leave her abusive situation and get her and her babies out of the situation because she finally reached out to my private group for advice. Have given lots of legal advice to help her get out of her situation. Then of course my health in the near future. Oi... so many pills to remember. Spreaking of which i am over due for my eye drops now. But ill finish typing this first before i let my left eye go blind from medicine.

    The last 4 cards i normally line up separately to the right of my set. The final card at the top of the line. The first card, at the bottom is card 7. How i am responding to the situation. The 4 of swords. In short, peaceful, time alone to rediscover my individuality.

    Ive been painting again. Returning to what was once important to me. Not much i can do. Cant get mad at a germ. No point. Cant fight it. Lol

    Card 8 is my home enviornment at this moment, the 8 of swords. Short termed projects that lead nowhere but a time of reflection... or it could represent malicious thoughts and a feeling of being trapped.

    Being that this is my home... its hard to tell. My mom's boyfriend is having surgery shortly. So soon he will be here. I am not doing much because of my sickness. So i suppose the meaningless tasks would be my art. I have decided i would work on my sketchbook at the moment after all. But i maybe helping out soon enough when my lungs clear up.

    Card 9 is my hopes and fears... the world. The world represents a new enviornment. A change. Recognizing my strengths, my purpose. An expansion of ones dreams are reality. If i become stagnate something will be lost. An opportunity has come and must be taken or i will live to regret it. But i am hesitant.

    I am always a hesitant person. Second guessing everything i do. Degrading myself unintentionally for so much as wanting to attempt some things. But for the life of me, i couldn't place why i would get this card. Then it hit me. I have a painting i started over a year ago and never finished. It was when i had an inkling of wanting to enter a juried show. I wanted something that proved myself as an artist but would sell. A cheetah in acrylic. Black and white. The background, undecided. The cheetah has half a fsce, a chest and a tail. Its outlined. Its face is almost done, giving me a sad look. I feel the urge more than ever to finish it. More so after reading this card. But i am afraid, as i always am. Afraid on if it would be worth my time or not. Should i do it. Should i finish it?

    ......

    ...

    I think i will this week.

    The final card. This card is the most important and explains how all of this will end. What will become of all that is affecting me now. The chariot, a forceful card. It represents victory but not without soul searching. It represents health and vitality improvement. But a warning that violence may follow my action or fights over trivial matters or a tendency to dwell on a past issue with negative results.

    In short, something is goung to happen and its big. Maybe ill finish the painting and put it in a show like i said i would. Disregard those fears i had.. and do it. But i know if it fails, ill never live it down. I would dwell on it. Hate myself for being so bold. Degrade myself. Because that is the type of person i am. I will see myself as being prideful. For reaching further than i should have. For greed. That i just wanted to show off what i could do or something like that. My brain will find something to feed off of. Because it wouldnt cause conflict for me to enter the show. But i know i would be damaged if i didnt get put in the show. I know i would be. It would ruin me. To do this would take major soul searching for me to even find the strength to do it. Its not like throwing something online or showing it to a friend. Its giving it to an art judge. A qualified art critic. An artist him or herself. Somebody who knows art. What makes it as art in a city that is currently tied with art capital of the usa. If i get accepted, it shows thst what i do it serious work. Which it is to me. If im rejected...

    ......

    On the brightside my health improves so thats a good sight xD

    Anyway thats was all that was on my mind. Just felt i had to get it down somewhere.
     
  14. LadySynn

    LadySynn Daiquari Queen

    Messages:
    1,664
    Likes Received:
    372
    Occupation:
    Queen of Strawberry Daiquaris
    Location:
    Bottom of a bottle
    So never worked on that painting. Lost my nerve.

    But eh... been busy. Finals are too close for comfort.

    Sometimes I think I'm just plain old crazy. I tend to get a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me horrid things. Not all the time. I csn go months wirhout hearing it. But all it takes is one bad thought. One bad feeling. One trigger and it spirals out of control. I know the voice isn't me. I know it isn't real. I know it doesn't exist. That what it says isn't true. But it just has so much power. It drowns out my other thoughts and breaks me whenever it comes up. Telling me that i am worthless, useless, pointless, meaningless, a waste of space, stupid, ugly... and so much more.

    Its been silent for some time now. But i was thinking about it today. Wondering if i am crazy. Funny thing is my college put a flyer up about these exact sort of self image thoughts and how powerful they are and how to combat them. Its somewhat relieving to know i am not the only one. But as long as i stay busy, keep my mind working, i am fine.

    But life right now just feels grey. I barely have the motive to even drag myself out of bed most days. I just want to drop off the face of the earth. To not exist. To just disappear without a trace thst I ever existed. I know thats impossible and that its just a phase. The most purpose i ever felt was when i was holding a job. Been over a year now since i left that horrid job. But i still took pride in it. I took pride in my paycheck. I took pride in how the customers liked me. I took pride in what i did even if i hated the job. I chose to focus on school after but all ive felt is this sense of meaningless. Grades hold no value to me. But i know i need to do well for my GPA, which is also a pointless number that somehow defines who I am in society. I don't see the value to it. Even though it is suppose to help me get a job one day. It just doesn't make me happy. It doesn't invoke any feeling. Just a number with an invisible value.

    The semester is ending soon. And then i will get my liscense and then my own car. I probably will get a summer job. Maybe that would lift my spirits and give me a sense of purpose again. Its just school feels like mindless repetition. No reason for it. Just go and come home on repeat. Do the tasks, learn the material, regurgitate said material. No reward. Sure you may get an A or B slapped on an assignment but what is the point? I passed the assignment. Woohoo i guess? There is just no pride to be recieved from it. Not anymore that is. Middle school yeah. Elementary school yeah. But high school. Not really? College even less.

    Maybe its because College has made me realize how mediocre i really am. I was an honor student in high school. As and Bs. 3.6 GPA, unweighted. I was well off. I was great. Then i came to college and it was a slap to the face when no matter how hard i worked at it by myself I still got a C. I was so self reliant on my own abilities I never learned to ask help. To reach out to other students. Something i still don't do. I don't interact with my fellow students. I keep to myself, my studies, my work. The first time I went to tutoring I had to cry becsuse I had built up so much pride in not asking for help. Maybe its because of that i see less self worth in myself. Because my mom always prided herself in being able to do anything on her own. Her family was too poor to help her. She raised me by herself. She went to college and held a job at the same time. And she scolded me for not going and getting help when I needed it. But how was i suppose to know I needed help when I never needed it before. When I have never needed anybody. I never needed to ask questions of my teachers. I never needed study groups. I never needed to talk to prople in a group project, I just did it or did what they leader assigned me to do. I didn't do anything with outside help beyond youtube or my own un class notes. I never even opened a textbook until college. I just got things.

    Now here I am in college, going to tutoring. Having only 4 friends in the whole school. Barely able to talk to people still. Too afraid to even speak to my professor. I am getting better. Slowly i guess. But i still struggle. I still can hardly function outside of high school... and they say high school is suppose to prepare you for college. Bah! What a joke.

    I cannot wait to finish college. Three more semesters to go if all goes well.
     
  15. LadySynn

    LadySynn Daiquari Queen

    Messages:
    1,664
    Likes Received:
    372
    Occupation:
    Queen of Strawberry Daiquaris
    Location:
    Bottom of a bottle
    Got a job. Its... good. I like the managers, they are nice. But the workload is more than I anticipated. Its more demand than any of my past jobs. But really it was all customer service stuff. Now i am a cashier, doing alot... greeting customers, offering them a cart or basket. Returns. Phone calls. Reward cards. Cashier business and bagging items. Having to check the prices of those scanned items to come up right because not all the codes scan properly which is agony when you have like 30 customers wanting to check out at once. So i end up rushing myself and getting myself in trouble for that detail (twice now).

    Of course i worked a double shift during a 20% off everything day. My big mistake. My feet feel blistered and i gotta work again tomorrow 8am to 12pm.

    But idk. Anxiety maybe. Little things eat me up easy. And i dont think ive had a decent sleep in a few days now because of it. Just tossing and turning because i just don't want to mess up. But I am. I got in trouble twice for not answering the phone fast enough. I got in trouble twice over checking to scan the correct price tag/price. I got in trouble once for not writing my name at the bottom of a receipt.

    Ugh and I start classes thursday. I feel like im drowning.

    And ive contacted this driving teacher twice now and he hasnt responded to me! I need my god damned liscense!

    Im just.... done. Im tired. I just want to sleep. I dont want my back to hurt anymore or my feet. I dont feel satisfied coming home from this job. The last job i had i did. But this one i dont. Maybe because i feel like a failure. The last job, even though it was shit and my manager was horrible. I felt satisfied. Maybe because i knew i did my job well and the customers liked me. This job, i get so flustered so easily. Maybe because I'm simply not used to it. I keep getting things mixed up in my head. It shows when reading receipts out loud too. Like... say i ring up 14.64. I will read that in my head but say 41.46 by accident. No idea how. So i will have to stop myself and repeat it. Or i will say "there is a receipt at the end of your servey" instead of "there is a survey at the end of your reciept".... makes me feel like the sheriff of Nottingham in Mel Brook's robin hood men in tights.

    Just.... ugh.... i guess...
     

Share This Page